


If I Could Hold Back The Rain

by CognizantCatastrophe



Series: WinterIron All The Time [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Bottom Bucky Barnes, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gentle Sex, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Hurt/Comfort, IronWinter - Freeform, M/M, Oral Sex, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark-centric, Top Tony Stark, possible spoilers?, winteriron
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-12
Updated: 2016-06-12
Packaged: 2018-07-14 16:50:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7181126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CognizantCatastrophe/pseuds/CognizantCatastrophe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Inspired by "Remember Everything" by Five Finger Death Punch</i>
</p><p> </p><p>The Civil War, Avengers Style, as Tony liked to call it, had been over for three years. It's the anniversary of his parents' deaths and he's sitting at home staring at a drink he's been nursing so long he doesn't even remember what it is when an unexpected guest shows up.</p><p>And over the years, after everything he's learned, he finds he just can't hate Bucky anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I Could Hold Back The Rain

**Author's Note:**

> **WARNING: possible super minor spoilers if you haven't seen Civil War yet.**
> 
>  
> 
> Okay, so, since I'm new to the fandom, let's add sex to the list of things I'm new at. Please don't throw things if I screwed up, but please let me know if you did/didn't like it or if I forgot a tag or something. Also the rating. I didn't know whether this should be rated E or M.
> 
>  
> 
> **By the way, if you don't want to read the M rated stuff, stop reading at the "three years later" portion.**
> 
>  
> 
> I just signed up for the WinterIron Bang AND I have another fic written and ready for posting (probably tomorrow, and that one is pretty much no angst and hopefully kinda funny) AND I'm about to start writing another fic that a gif on tumblr insprired me to write. So. I'm kinda on a roll. It's kinda weird, but so SO awesome.

The moment Tony was old enough, his father shipped him off to boarding school. Tony thought that was a pretty decent summation of their relationship, actually – distance. Tony had tried, lord knows he tried to be everything his father expected. He built his first circuit board when he was four!

That still wasn’t enough, though. He was always trying to do more, and he was always brushed aside, flat out ignored, dismissed, and sometimes he was chastised for not trying harder or doing better.

It was never enough.

Not measuring up in his father’s eyes was a nightmare, especially because he couldn’t seem to stop trying, no matter how resentful he grew of the man the older he got. What hurt worse, though, was his mother. He adored his mother, and she had adored him, but he’d always felt as though he was disappointing her by not pleasing his father. She was proud of his accomplishments, yes, but every time she watched the two of them together, she always looked sad.

She’d put up with their fights and drama on a daily basis and never complained. The woman had been a saint for putting up with both Stark men.

That didn’t make the sad look in her eyes hurt any less.

Tony tossed a shot of vodka back and sighed. It wasn’t like it really mattered anymore; they were both dead… and today was the anniversary.

The Civil War, Avengers Style, as Tony liked to call it, had been over for three years. For the first year, he barely spoke to Steve, which had been surprisingly difficult. Pepper had ended their relationship and cut way back on the amount of time they spent together (in fact, she basically changed it back to the business-only relationship it was in the beginning), Rhodey was busy with his military duties and was rarely around, and he had way too many trust issues with anyone else. Steve was the one person he thought he could count on, and then bam.

No more fun with the Capcicle.

Over the course of that time, Tony and FRIDAY had poured over the HYDRA files extensively. He’d watched every video they had on Bucky, read every file, and damn if he hadn’t forgiven the man.

Perhaps _forgive_ wasn’t the right word, so much as realizing he couldn’t blame Bucky for what he did at Hydra’s hands than he could blame himself for every death his company’s weapons caused.

Not that he didn’t try blaming himself, because that was always fun.

But it was hard to blame a man who was tortured so severely and fought so hard to come out of it somewhat okay. Tony had seen the glimpses of Bucky fighting through the conditioning of the Winter Soldier before they would wipe him again. He’d watched videos where Bucky broke down and sobbed after he killed someone on their orders… right before they’d beat him for the display of emotion.

He couldn’t hate the man for that.

Tony swirled the drink in his glass, barely remembering what it was now, but not because he was drunk. Rather, it was because he’d been nursing it for so long without even tasting it. He sighed and sat the glass on the table in front of him, leaning forward and putting his head in his hands.

Outside, the rain poured, almost like it was mocking him. After all, wasn’t it raining when his parents died? He was pretty sure it was raining. Maybe it wasn’t. It had been a while.

Tony sighed and decided to call it a night. He got up and took his glass into the kitchen, pouring the remains of it down the sink. He’d thought being in his rebuilt Malibu house rather than any of his Towers would make the day better, but he’d been terribly mistaken. He was going to go upstairs to his bedroom, take something to make him sleep, and deal with everything tomorrow. Maybe.

Probably not.

He had just reached the stairs when a bell chimed, signaling a visitor at the door. Which… that was weird. The bell was more for amusement than anything, because everyone stopped at the gate.

“FRIDAY, did I leave the gate open?” Tony asked. He wasn’t usually _that_ scatterbrained, but on that particular day, it wouldn’t have surprised him.

“No, Sir,” she replied. “It appears your guest as bypassed the gate, as well as my security protocols. I’m looking into it.”

“Well, do you know who it is? If I’m about to die, I’d like to give myself a moment to prepare.”

“It appears to be Sergeant Barnes, Sir.”

Tony raised an eyebrow at that. A year ago, he would have been furious to have Barnes show up on that day, even if he had finally decided to work on forgiving the man by that point. This time, however, all he felt was curiosity.

The bell chimed again and Tony made his way to the door. He opened it to discover James “Bucky” Barnes standing there, literally dripping on his doorstep from the rain. He wasn’t wearing clothes that were warm enough for that kind of weather, as was evident by the shivering. The metal arm was probably leaching some of his body heat, too, making the cold even worse.

“What are you doing here?”

Tony could have smacked himself. He should at least bring the guy out of the cold and the pouring rain. He hadn’t spoken to Barnes since the whole Civil War, Avengers Style, thing, but once he finally started talking to Steve again, Steve had slowly begun to talk about the progress they had made. About six months ago, he’d called to say they could confirm they had gotten all of the programming out of Bucky’s head and Bucky was going to counseling sessions with Sam twice a week.

Bucky didn’t say anything, just looked up at Tony, still shivering.

Tony sighed and pulled the guy inside and over to the bathroom on the first floor. “Okay, Barnes, here’s a towel,” Tony said, handing it to the guy. “I’m going to go find some clothes… that uh…. Probably won’t fit you very well, but I’ll see what I can do. I’ll be right back. You dry off. If you want to hop in the shower, go ahead. Don’t forget to hang up your clothes so they’ll dry.”

When Bucky just continued to stare at him, Tony nodded uncomfortably. “So yeah, I’ll just…” Tony scurried out of the room and up to his closet, digging through it until he found some old sweat pants that he was pretty sure actually belonged to Rhodey. They should fit alright, but the shirt he found would probably be a little tight.

“FRIDAY, fire off a message to Capcicle and tell him Bucky’s here. Tell him everything’s fine right now and I’ll give him an update later, but to let me know if he knows a piece of the puzzle that I don’t.”

“Yes, Sir.”

When Tony reached the bathroom Bucky was in, he heard the shower running. He knocked on the door and shouted, “Hey, I have clothes for you. Do you want me to leave them outside the door, or put them on the sink?”

“Sink’s fine,” came Bucky’s reply, the first thing Tony had heard him say that night. Tony hesitated a moment before opening the door and stepping inside.

He tried not to look, really, he did, but the mirror above the sink he placed the clothes on was so conveniently located across from the shower… with crystal-clear glass, not having enough time to fog properly from the steam of the shower.

Dear lord, Bucky was gorgeous.

Tony swallowed as he watched Bucky tilt his head back underneath the spray, eyes closed, letting the water rinse his hair. His muscles glistened in the water, the lighting doing wonders for the sight in front of him. Tony barely managed to look away from the captivating scene as Bucky looked up. Tony rushed out of the bathroom, hoping Bucky hadn’t noticed the blush on his face…. Or the bulge in his own sweatpants.

Tony grabbed a few blankets from the closet and tossed them on the couch, then made two cups of hot chocolate. He had just sat them down when Bucky emerged from the bathroom, hair in slight disarray from being towel-dried. It did not escape Tony’s notice that while the sweatpants seemed to fit like sweatpants should, the shirt was definitely not Bucky’s size. It wasn’t too tight – more like torturously tight, at least from Tony’s point of view.

“Feel better?” Tony asked, gesturing for Bucky to take a seat. Bucky nodded and sat on one end of the couch, grabbing one of the blankets. Tony handed him one of the mugs of hot chocolate and sat down on the opposite end of the couch with his own blanket and mug.

“So to what do I owe the surprise?”

“Why did you even let me in?” Bucky asked quietly. “I don’t understand why you let me in.”

Tony frowned. “Why wouldn’t I?”

Bucky looked up at that, and Tony could see the tears in Bucky’s eyes. “I killed them,” Bucky replied. “I didn’t know your mom, but I had gone out drinking with your dad a few times. I knew him, I liked him, and I killed them anyway. You should hate me.”

Tony’s gut tightened uncomfortably. He didn’t really want to have this conversation on that particular day, but it looked like he didn’t have much of a choice. He took a moment to drink some of the hot chocolate, hoping the comforting taste and warmth would calm him a bit.

“I did for a while,” Tony replied, barely a whisper at first. “I did hate you. I blamed you and I felt justified in blaming you, until I found out what happened to you.”

Bucky looked confused at that. “What… what do you mean?”

“I probably shouldn’t have done it, but if HYDRA had it on file, whether written or video, I’ve watched it or read it,” Tony replied. “I’m sorry if you didn’t want me to know everything. I’m sure there are things you would prefer no one ever knew, but once I started, I couldn’t stop. I was so determined to hate you, I kept looking for evidence to throw in Steve’s face. I wanted proof you were just as awful as I thought you were, but in the end… I forgave you.”

A tear slipped down Bucky’s cheek at that. “How could you forgive me?”

“Bucky, they tortured you,” Tony said, placing a hand gently on Bucky’s hand when he noticed it had started to shake. “Every time you showed even the slightest sign of defiance or independent thought, they put you in the chair again. I know you don’t remember everything that happened, but I saw videos. You need to know that you fought back. You tried to defy them, Bucky.”

Bucky squeezed his eyes shut. “I remember,” he murmured.

“You remember fighting back?” Tony asked, surprised.

“No,” Bucky said, shaking his head.

Tony gave him a confused look. “I don’t understand. You said you remembered.”

“I do,” Bucky replied, another tear managing to escape and slide down his cheek. “I remember…. I remember everything.”

Tony’s eyes widened. He hadn’t been expecting that.

“I know today is the anniversary of when I…” Bucky trailed off, swallowing hard. “I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry. I wanted you to know your father’s last words were used to apologize to you for not being a better father. And I wanted… I wanted to give you the chance to kill me if you wanted, to get revenge. Because Steve told me you’ve been footing the bill for me for the past ten months, and I don’t understand how you could do that for someone who isn’t worth the effort and who took so much from you.”

Tony didn’t move for a moment, overwhelmed. He didn’t know which statement to cover first.

“Bucky,” Tony said, swallowing. “My dad… he didn’t care about me. We didn’t have a relationship. That can’t be a real memory.”

“It is,” Bucky replied firmly. “I remember word-for-word what he said. He said, ‘Tony, I’m sorry I failed you. I’m sorry I wasn’t a better father.’ That was his last words.”

Tony closed his eyes, willing the tears not to come – not yet. There was still more to deal with.

“You’re worth the effort,” Tony gasped, looking up at Bucky. “I know you don’t think you are because of the things you were forced to do, but Bucky, you were forced to do them. I’m not going to hold that against you,” he continued, reaching over and taking both of Bucky’s hands in his own. Bucky looked startled when Tony laced their fingers together – metal fingers, included.

“You… You’re touching my arm,” he said, eyes wide and confused.

“It’s part of you,” Tony replied easily. “I don’t have a problem with your arm, and I don’t have a problem with you.”

Bucky began to shake at that. He looked like a dam about to break.

“Bucky,” Tony said slowly, “It’s okay. You don’t have to be strong in front of me. If you want to cry, you can.”

“But… Steve…”

“Steve isn’t here, and this is between you and me,” Tony said firmly. “I wont say a word if you don’t want me to.”

Bucky stared at Tony for a moment, his gaze filled with pain, but also calculating. Whatever he saw in Tony’s eyes must have satisfied him, because the next thing he knew, Tony had his arms full of the former winter soldier as the man shook himself apart with grief.

“It’s okay,” Tony soothed, rubbing Bucky’s back slowly. “Let it out. It’s okay.”

Tony wasn’t sure how long they stayed there, before he realized how quiet it was. The rain had faded away, and the sun was just starting to light the horizon. Bucky had finally exhausted himself at some point during the night and was sleeping soundly on Tony’s chest.

As Tony brushed some hair out of the other man’s eyes, he felt determined to help the other man more than he had been. Bucky needed to be somewhere he felt comfortable letting go and grieving if he needed, rather than feeling like he needed to stay strong.

While he thought about what his next move would be with Bucky, he realized something. The horrible pain he normally felt every anniversary of his parents’ death, the pain that would last for days after, wasn’t there. For the first time since they died, he was able to remember his own name the day after and not feel a stabbing pain with every breath.

Bucky stirred and blinked slowly. “Sorry,” he said, sitting up slowly. “I didn’t mean to break down on you like that, especially considering the date.”

“It’s okay,” Tony replied. “You actually helped. I’m okay.”

Bucky looked up and stared at Tony cautiously. “You’re okay?”

“Yeah,” Tony said, still feeling surprised at the concept, himself, but pleased. “Normally I’m a wreck for days before and after, but you helped me forget. I was so concerned with you, I didn’t even bother thinking about it. You took the pain away.”

“You helped me, too,” Bucky said cautiously.

“I did?”

“Yeah,” Bucky said. “What happened with your parents was something that was eating at me more than any of the others I killed, because I knew them. I can compartmentalize everyone else like I did when I was a sniper for the military, but I couldn’t do it with them… because of you.”

“And now?” Tony asked, and was surprised when Bucky took his hand.

“You helped. It still hurts, but… It’s different. It’s no longer the white-hot iron shoving its way down my throat. I can deal with it, now.”

Tony grinned.

The two of them barely left the couch as they talked and watched movies, slowly getting to know each other. By the end of the week, when Steve showed up to find out whether the two had killed each other or not since neither of them had returned his messages and he refused to take FRIDAY’s word for it, they had come to an agreement.

They decided to help each other.

And if they slowly realized they had somehow managed to find a fresh start in each other and fell for each other a little more every day, well… neither of them complained.

* * *

**_Three Years Later_ **

It was the anniversary of Howard and Maria Stark’s deaths. For years, the anniversary was a day of torture and misery for their son. Those days were gone, however.

Bucky stood a few steps behind Tony as Tony placed flowers on their graves. Bucky had suggested the new tradition the year before when Tony had cried with guilt for not even realizing the anniversary had passed until a week later. Bucky had taken him out the next day, bought flowers, and visited the graves with Tony. While they both felt somber at their graves, when they finally left, they couldn’t help feeling lighter – freer. It was comforting.

Then, just as it had that fateful night, and as it had three years ago, it began to rain. Bucky had flinched as the rain pulled up memories of that night. He could feel a flashback coming on, which would probably be followed by a panic-attack. He braced himself, only to feel the rain suddenly stop. When the sound continued, he opened his eyes to see Tony smiling and holding an umbrella.

“Come on, let’s get you inside,” Tony said, leading Bucky to the car.

When they got home, the two made their way to their bedroom. Normally they would shower together as soon as they got home, but on that particular day, Tony thought it would be best if they skipped it.

Instead, they fell into bed together, and Tony made sure to show Bucky just how important he was to Tony.

Bucky shivered as he watched Tony undress, then crawl on top of Bucky and straddle his hips. Tony leaned down and kissed him, groaning when Bucky’s hands found their way down Tony’s back and onto his ass, squeezing and pulling him closer.

“What do you want?” Tony asked, gasping as Bucky ground his hips up against Tony’s. Normally Tony would just go with the flow, but if Bucky had a bad day, he always preferred to ask.

Bucky smiled knowingly and cupped Tony’s face in both hands, pulling the other man down for a lingering kiss. “I’m okay, Doll,” he said. “Don’t worry. I want you.”

Tony grinned and began unbuttoning Bucky’s shirt, kissing and nipping at each bit of skin as it was slowly revealed. He didn’t feel like being kinky or rough this time. No, he wanted to take his time, to unwrap Bucky like a present and treat him like the treasure he was.

Bucky ran his fingers through Tony’s hair as Tony reached his pants, unbuttoning them and sliding them down his hips. Tony smirked when he realized Bucky wasn’t wearing any underwear, not that the other man usually did.

Tony nipped at the skin on the inside of Bucky’s thighs playfully, reveling in the mixture of a moan and a laugh that escaped his lips. “Come on, Sugar, stop teasing me,” Bucky moaned.

“What do you want?” Tony asked, trying his best to look innocent. By the look on his boyfriend’s face, it probably would have been more effective if they weren’t both naked and he wasn’t between the man’s legs.

“Want your mouth,” Bucky murmured huskily, reaching down and tracing Tony’s bottom lip with his thump. Tony bit it playfully then sucked it into his mouth, his tongue swirling around it as Bucky let out a yearning sound. “Tony,” he pleaded.

“What, you want this?” Tony asked as he released Bucky’s thump, only to engulf Bucky’s erection in his mouth until he had taken as much as he could. Buck gasped and twisted the sheets in his hands as Tony held his hips down. He alternated his technique, tongue twisting and playing around Bucky’s length, one hand trailing across Buck’s hips to play with his balls.

Bucky groaned and arched into him, his fingers in Tony’s hair, grip tightening slightly when Tony found one of Bucky’s sensitive spots. Tony would focus on a spot that drove Bucky crazy until Bucky was right on the edge, only to back off again. Just when Bucky thought he could breathe again, Tony would return to that spot.

Bucky flung a hand out to the table beside the bed and grabbed the lube. “Mmmm, Tony, Doll, come here,” Bucky groaned, pulling Tony up. Tony sank on top of him as Bucky pulled him close, nipping at Tony’s bottom lip before sucking on it. Tony groaned and ground his hips into Bucky, their erections rubbing against each other. They both gasped at the delicious friction.

“Top or bottom?” Tony asked as he reached for the lube.

“Want you in me this time,” Bucky said, wrapping his legs around Tony’s hips. Tony grinned and kissed him again, their tongues briefly meeting.

“If you want that, you’ll have to let me prep you,” Tony replied, pulling Bucky’s legs off him.

“Cruel,” Bucky replied, but the smile told Tony he didn’t really mind.

He certainly didn’t mind when Tony slid one well-lubed finger inside him. “Mmm, Doll, come on, I can handle more than that,” he replied. Tony chuckled and slid in a second one, pausing for a moment to let Bucky adjust. It wasn’t long before he was sliding a third in while he licked at Bucky’s erection, teasing him.

“Mmm, Tony, come on,” Bucky pleaded. “I’m ready.”

“Okay,” Tony said, leaning over Bucky and kissing him again. “I love you,” he murmured, resting his forehead against Bucky’s for a moment.

“I love you, too,” Bucky replied, humming contently. “Now hurry up and get in me.”

“Bossy bottom,” Tony teased, sliding his tongue into Bucky’s mouth at the same time he slid his erection into Bucky’s hole.

Bucky groaned, wrapping his legs around Tony. They both gasped at the intense feeling, Tony peppering kisses across Bucky’s face as he waited for his boyfriend to adjust. “Tell me when,” he whispered against Bucky’s lips.

“I’m ready,” Bucky replied. “Move.”

And Tony did, slowly at first. It was almost torturously slow as he slid out, only to slide back in just as slow. Both of them groaned at the feeling. After maybe a dozen thrusts, Bucky began to whimper. “Please, Doll, I need more. I need to cum. Please, Tony.”

“I love when you beg me,” Tony replied. “It’s so rare, but you do it so beautifully.”

“If you don’t hurry up and fuck me, I’m going to spank you until you’re the one begging,” Bucky growled.

“Ooooh, please?” Tony laughed, but before Bucky could reply, Tony upped the pace, cutting off any response Bucky might have had.

It was fast after that. Tony reached up and pinched at Bucky’s nipples while Bucky took his own erection in one hand, jerking himself to completion. And when he came… Tony wasn’t far behind. He always swore he could get off just on watching Bucky cum; it was a sight to behold.

Bucky melted into the bed, panting. Tony pulled out and barely managed to grab a package of wet wipes they kept in the bedside drawer for when they were too tired to shower after and cleaned both of them off. Then he collapsed into the bed beside Bucky, pulling the other man close. They snuggled together, holding each other and finding comfort in one another.

“Thank you for numbing the pain,” Tony said, pressing a feather-light kiss to Bucky’s lips.

“Thank you for helping me with all my regrets,” Bucky replied with a small smile.

“Of course,” Tony replied.

“There’s something else you did for me, that night,” Bucky replied as he traced random patterns across Tony’s chest. “You did it tonight, too. You’ve done it every time I’ve needed you.”

“Oh yeah?” Tony asked. “What’s that?”

“You held back the rain.”

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on [tumblr!](http://cognizantcatastrophe.tumblr.com/)


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